When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*