Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
You Might Also Like
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.