If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
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*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
🛁
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
smh
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day