The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
saving face 👀
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*