Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
There are no pants in heaven.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Animal poetry
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!