I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
u spoke cat all this time??????
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD