[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water