My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Story of my life…..