If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
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An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”