FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”