we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.