Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
catch me on valentine’s day like
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
#polloftheday
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*