Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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Not today.. 😂
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.