I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
You Might Also Like
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I’m calling the cops.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.