It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.