doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
😎 🍻
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Meat Cute
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
They got Raph!
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube