Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.