[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Thank you corporation very cool
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
who will stop them
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead