While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Eat…
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.