My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
the noise i just made
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY