Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.