I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
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Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Only a mother’s love …
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.