I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
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I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?