{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.