Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.