Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
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My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.