Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
United Steaks of America
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Just parrot things
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Nice try, poison.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.