CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
One of the best
They’re the worst 😩
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*