Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
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You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Flock of bats
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”