“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Labreador
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.