I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.