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I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.