The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.