I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.