Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I am HOWLING at this
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.