[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
*praying for world peace*
God:
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.