“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
i wish we could shoplift online
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.