When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
this has done me in for some reason
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.