Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*