INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
You Might Also Like
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.