Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
How it started: How it’s going:
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Not all heroes wear capes…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Well, that didn’t work.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.