There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.