[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Just why bro?!
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.