I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle