i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in