Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
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When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I got bills
They’re multiplying
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers