When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]