Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
that wasn’t the question
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.