I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.