Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?